We have new gear available in the taproom. Double-embroidered maroon beanies are $15. Barley strand on one side, Solemn Oath Brewery on the other. For the first time, our stemless bulb beer glasses come in sets of two ($12) or four ($20). Don’t say we never did anything nice.
I enjoy informing (teasing) fresh college graduates, such as taproom worker Lou, about how each day in the real world makes you more dumb. You retain less, read less, drink more… or at least that’s how it worked out for me. I used to be pretty goddamn intelligent. I mean, I still am an intellectual when it comes to pop culture (Kanye and Kim named their baby North), energy drinks (they’re enlightening), and cats (meow).
A few weeks ago, John introduced me to the works of a man named A.J. Jacobs. The first article I read by this sarcastic gem of a man was titled “I Think You’re Fat” and it rocked my world. Not only has Jacobs written articles for Esquire and The New York Times, he’s also written quite a few books, one being “The Know-It-All: One Man’s Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World,” where he read the entire Encyclopedia Britannica and wrote about his experience. Upon discovery of the existence of this book, I decided to emulate Jacobs’ experience by reading The Oxford Companion To Beer by Garrett Oliver, which is the ultimate beer encyclopedia. I thought it was about damn time for me to learn something; fill my ginormous brain with something other than the Pulp Fiction script and decoding of a cat’s meow (a few short meows upon entry to my apartment means Marsellus is happy I’m home).
I know that a lot of you gaze in interest as you peek over the half wall and see us SOBs hard at work. You stare at MOfferman dripping with sweat and crushing up malt in his bad boy cargo shorts and muscle tee. It’s foxy.
You stare down Tim, riding around on his sexy beast of a forklift in his vibrant, blue, rubber boots. And John, in his unnecessarily stylish Diesel jeans that are worn in all the right places, scrubbing those filthy kegs ‘til they sparkle. You think Paul manages to look even more brilliant as he rinses the floor, hose in hand, with a soft head-bob to Ke$ha.
Sometimes you just don’t know it all. I know this because I am one rockin’ eavesdropper.
I love listening to people’s private conversations. Washing glasses in the taproom gives me the perfect opportunity to tune in to your intimate chatter; I look focused while I’m rinsing away yet I’m totally listening to your every word. TLC’s “Creep” is my jam. Aside from hearing about how your beloved hamster just died or how you strongly believe Justin Bieber is prettier than those guys in One Direction, a lot of what I hear is beer talk and a lot of what you say is bullshit. Let me clear some things up for you.
If you had told me five years ago I would be managing a taproom at a brewery, I would have laughed in your face. I just graduated high school and had begun my first year at Columbia College in Chicago, majoring in fashion design. When I turned twenty-one, my beer of choice was Coors Light. What can I say? I was a sucker for the blue mountains.
Luckily, I had older friends with more sophisticated palates. They shared different beers with me. It didn’t take long before I fell head over heels for some hoppy brews. I tried every type of beer I could get my hands on. Sometimes dinner would consist of a rather pricey beer alongside some ramen. I spent my money wisely.
She has charmed us with her dancing skills time and time again, and her bubbly persona never fails to conjure up a smile on even the most evil of human beings’ faces. Heck, even when Sarah upchucks due to her intake of bad meatloaf, we still feel giddy just being in her vomity presence. Her quirky antics make all of us chuckle on a regular basis and they ended up landing her a job here at Solemn Oath.
Thanks to Apartment Number 9 and Michael Kiser of Good Beer Hunting, you can now take a look inside our brewery walls from the comfort of your couch. These stylish folks strive to spread all aspects of Chicago craft culture and we love them for it.
If you frequent the taproom on the weekend, you’re well aware by now that you just may have to wait your turn in line in order to enter the Solemn walls. That’s because more people want to inhabit our space and take in the good vibes than is legally safe at a given time.
Hypothetically, if there were a flash fire that set our taproom walls ablaze, we often have the maximum number of people inside that would probably be able to make it out safely. Probably.