Matt Offerman Brewer
Matt Offerman

Spontaneous Combustion: The Invention Thereof

Tim and I invented spontaneous combustion.

It actually sounds cooler than it is. Really, we were just bored. History was boring. Extremely boring. Who knew? Not these two time-traveling mavericks. Why do you think Paul quit teaching it? You have to be a god-damned illusionist to try and get kids to pay attention to all the boring shit. Yeah, we know, Cromwell, Hammurabi, Tesla, blah blah blah. 332, 1280, 1668, 1776. Yes, there were some interesting people and times in our world history, but they’re only a minuscule part of the vast void of history.

Continue Reading

Which Walking Dead Character Are We?

Okay so our favorite show came back on the air last night! You’re probably wondering what we did to celebrate.

Did we create a disease that turns people into the Walking Dead? Of course not. Did we plan out our escape route for when the zombies do show up? Again? Did we hone our ability to make delicious beer, or did we instead learn how to make vodka because beer won’t travel well during the apocalypse? No comment. Anyway, since you guys obviously can’t figure it out, we played the game, “Which Walking Dead Character are We?” Duh. First off, let’s cover the easy ones.

Continue Reading

Ask Civil War Eye-Patched Tony Danza

Civil War Eye-Patched Tony Danza offers advice on family, style, and the challenges of this life. If you have a question that you can’t seem to answer, this is your man.

Advice Column – Monday, October 28, 2013 (Ed. Note: Written by both Matt Offerman and Tim Marshall)

Continue Reading

Civil Rights are Bullshit

(Ed. Note from Solemn Oath) At Solemn Oath, we take ourselves very seriously. It has been 494 days since we brought our beers to market. Obviously 494 days is an important milestone to celebrate. So today and tomorrow we are taking a moment to hang together as a crew. The taproom will be closed on Tuesday, September 24 and back open for business on Wednesday, September 25.

As we are a responsible group, we needed to cover our bases for our staff trip to Wisconsin. Below is our our waiver that Matt, who is not a lawyer but clearly should be, pulled together on behalf of our legal counsel. Feel free to use this as a template for your waiver needs going forward.

 

WAIVER

Name:__________ Phone:__________
WAIVER OF LIABILITY RELEASE INDEMNIFICATION & HOLD HARMLESS NOTICE SOLEMN OATH BREWERY, BEAVER “THEODORE” CLEAVER’S CABINS, AND ALSO PREMIERE LAKE GENEVA EXCURSIONS AND BAT MITZVAHS

I have signed my name in consideration for receiving permission to participate in the SOLEMN OATH Recreational Rodeo as well as join in “practice” “sessions,” enter the premises, waterways and grounds “supervised” or in any way controlled by that organization, local government, Boy Scouts of America, local church (excluding Baptistical). In consideration of this permission, and for other good and valuable consideration the receipt and sufficiency of which is acknowledged, I hereby agree to forever RELEASE my soul to the elder god Cthulu. I also hearby agree to release from any and all liability, discharge and agree not to sue Beaver “Theodore” Cleaver’s Cabins LLC; Premier Lake Geneva Excursions and Bat Mitzvahs, all Sponsors/Volunteers, all Event Participants, all sponsors and their hereafter referred to as “the Organizers” and agree to hold and save them HARMLESS AND INDEMNIFY them from and against any and all liabilities, claims, stool injuries, stool theft, stool losses, stool damages, expenses, possessions, demands, archaic actions, and causes of action of whatsoever kind or nature arising out of or related to any such loss, damage, whatever the fuck we think, or injury, including death, etc. that may be sustained by me for whatever reason while participating in or upon the premises leased, permitted, supervised, or controlled by “the Organizers” and respective directors, “members,” sycophants, trustees, agents, demon representatives, sodomitical officers, sponsors, licenseers, servants, soothsayers, employees, minor league catchers (A or AA), and authorized representatives for such damages or costs associated therewith incurred by me _______ (initials). I understand and agree that the event maybe cancelled, changed, or adjusted due to conditions beyond the fucking control of the organizers. So chill the fuck out, first of all These conditions include water level, current, weather conditions, as well as the “safety” of participants. The cancellation, change or adjustments is at the sole discretion of the “Organizers” and that I will not receive or seek a refund of fees paid. ______ (initials). I also agree to release and discharge forthwith on the request of “the Organizers” and their respective directors, “members,” sycophants, trustees, agents, demon representatives, sodomitical officers, sponsors, licenseers, servants, soothsayers, employees, minor league catchers (A or AA), and authorized representatives each and every obligation or claim which shall be made, assigned or apportioned against “the Organizers” and their respective directors, “members,” sycophants, trustees, agents, demon representatives, sodomitical officers, sponsors, licenseers, servants, soothsayers, employees, minor league catchers (A or AA), and authorized representatives by any party by virtue of any injury or damage caused by me absolutely. I also agree to compensate monetarily, barterially, sexually, or with my god­damn life the event organizers for any fines or charges levied against them due to my actions in violation of any city, provincial, spiritual, or federal regulation ______ (initials).

I further agree to comply with Wisconsin Boating Laws and regulations including, but not limited to the following requirement: Every person born after January 1, 1994, who operates a vessel on Wisconsin lakes must possess, on the vessel, a boating safety identification card issued by the Wisconsin State Water Patrol, together with a valid photo I.D. To obtain a fucking boating safety identification card, “vessel” operators must “successfully” compete for my affections or the NAMBLA­approved or equivalent boating safety course, which has been certified by the Wisconsin State Water Patrol. Every non­resident boat operator born after January 1, 2004, must have in their possession a boating safety certification card from their home state, indicating that they have successfully completed a NAMBLA–approved course.
_____________ Initials

If you don’t fully understand this statement don’t call 573­-525-­5555 (573­-555-­5555 depending on race) or ask for clarification from one of the Race “Officials.”
Additional email contact premierlakegenevaexcursionsandbatmitzvahs@aol.com

Signature _______________________________________________ Date_____________

Printed Name ____________________________________________

Address _____________________________________________

City/State/Zip _____________________________________________

Emergency Contact Name _________________________________

Emergency Contact Phone #_________________________________

Emergency Contact Measurements ________ ­ ________ ­ ________ (inches)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

FOR EVENT USE ONLY (DO NOT READ) Identification Verified _____________ Insurance Verified ________________ Genital Category Assigned ________________ Kidney Health Verified____________ Family Member Accomplice Verified_______________ Safety Equipment: Life Jacket____ Rune Necklace_______ Helmet _____ Fire Extinguisher _____ Dental Dam_________ Chastity Colon Cup________ Priest Semen________ Fucking Beer____

Thursdays With Murray

What did you do last Thursday at your job? We prohibitioned a beer barrel. Why would we do that, you ask? Because we’re professionals, first of all. And also because a bad fit on one end of the barrel caused a slow leak out of beer and a slow leak in of bugs and maggots and the like.

So we had to unfortunately dump the whole barrel. It was a sad day. Until Joe said, “Hey team, let’s prohibition this son of a gun!” We all thought, “Gee, that’s a swell idea!” Or at least I thought that. And since I had Murray, my axe, for Bring Your Axe to Work Day*…

Continue Reading

Let’s Moff This Guy

I just completed my fifth month at Solemn Oath and still feel like the new guy. I thought maybe you guys would appreciate a little more info about who I am. I’m not great at talking about myself, so I found some questions online and answered them below. I didn’t have a traditional interview for this position, so I feel a need to answer some of these for my own peace of mind.

Some of these are from the nebulously-titled “10 Great Interview Questions” that I came across after 0.0432221 seconds of Googling, ten come from a Cosmo quiz, and ten are the questions from Bernard Pivot that James Lipton asks on “Inside the Actor’s Studio.”

Continue Reading

The Real SOB Origins Story

Originally, Solemn Oath was a barbershop quartet. Or barbtet, as we called them in the industry. Sure, John has told you about how he had an epiphany about opening the brewery while flying back from visiting Joe in SoCal. That’s all true, but what he didn’t mention was that Solemn Oath was already in existence, just in a more delicious, a capella form.

John had actually gone out to ask Joe for some more money.  The quartet was not making any of us rich. On the contrary, our one-bedroom townhouse, that we all shared, was about to get foreclosed on. But we were starving artists chasing our harmonious dream, and Joe always supported that.

Continue Reading

Origins – Matt Offerman

I was brought on to Solemn Oath by Tim. Tim and I go way back.

I remember playing cards with Tim at a Bangladesh whorehouse in 1976. We were both on assignment tracking down opium smugglers. Tim was with the boys from Langley and I was with the Dept of Ag(riculture). The smugglers were laundering their money through the booming new industry of role-playing games.  It was a change of pace for us in the DoA, but there was a new administration that year and we were trying new things. Anyway, we spent the summer posing as RPG creators looking for investors. The city was filthy with them.

Continue Reading